Hello, my name is Billy Bob Smith, and as a person living in New York City who has had multiple cars crushed by the masked menace terrorizing the city, I feel as if I must find out what Spiderman’s true identity is and what his intentions are, and I have a theory that explains EVERYTHING. I must reveal the truth about this despicable thing, and what it wants to do.

Let’s start here, in New York. When New York was just a colony, what was an important event that took place? The Austin Tea Party. Now, you might be like one of my friends who’s too blind to understand. You might say, “Billy Bob, Austin is in Texas. You mean the Boston Tea Party.” And to that I say “Why does everyone get Boston and Austin mixed up?” Anyways, the Austin Tea Party was a protest against the king of England at the time: Thorge the Gird. Austin is, according to Google maps, in Texas. That’s what they want you to think. It’s actually quite close to New York. I know this because I live in New York.

So Spiderman is here to reignite the revolution. That’s the only explanation. He is going to bring his violence to our friend across the sea, and ruin traffic “for the greater good” there. I was late to my own wedding because of him. Which I shouldn’t have been going to anyways, because I wasn’t engaged, but that’s beside the point.

If you don’t believe me, fine. But don’t say I didn’t warn you when Spiderman destroys Big Ben and blames it all on the guy with robot arms. I can’t believe people actually fall for that lie. Robot arms aren’t real, and octopuses cannot go to college or medical school, meaning that they cannot be doctors.

That is all. Please donate to my Gofundme so I can replace my car again. I need to get to work on time or else they’ll fire me. Which is weird because I work from home.