Aidan Oquendo, Writer (Governor of Ohio)

Why Ohio isn’t real

Ohio. The most odd state of matter. We have absolutely no idea what causes whatever happens there. There are yetis, mysterious sea creatures, demented people, and the Ohio final boss. There are so many things there that shouldn’t be real, so how do we know it is? Ohio isn’t real.

Have you ever seen a resident of Ohio? If you have, they were skin-walkers. All of the Ohio citizens I’ve seen are mentally insane. Take the Ohio final boss for example, I don’t know what’s happening with him, it’s like he’s from an anime or something. And the things you see in Ohio are insane. Houses with no walls, skyscrapers that don’t end, sometimes I can see the back rooms lurking below us, but that’s a different story. And their catchphrase too, “Down in Ohio, swag like Ohio” That is last year’s slang, there is no way real people would be saying this.

The footage made in Ohio is crazy. I saw a Call of Duty Warzone character walk into a grocery store, stun grenade spam the cashier, who happened to be Danny Devito, and steal from the cash register, but the cash register fought back. The cash register grew limbs and beat the rocks off of the Warzone character. I never went back to that store. This is just some of the things that happen in Ohio, and this is why I think Ohio isn’t real.

Ohio Cow Battle Royale

There are games like Fortnite, PUBG, Warzone, etc, in which the character participates in a battle royale. These games are pretty good, but what if they were in real life, with cows? This is how I set up a REAL LIFE cow battle royale.

It was, one day, rumored to me that cows might have virtual reality headset to simulate the place they want to be so they can make more milk. When I heard this, my first thought was ‘I can make a cow battle royale with this,’ and my second thought was ‘How is the economy this bad?’ But that thought was overshadowed by the glory of a cow battle royale.

To make this battle royale, though, I had to turn to Ohio, the one place I could rely on for resources to do this. I went on a quest for a core energy generator in Ohio. I had to do a lot of exploring, but one day I finally found it. The core generator! But there was one problem. The Ohio final boss was guarding it. I used my inner Naruto to talk-no-jutsu him into letting me take the generator from him.

I finally got the generator, and it was time to get to work. I produced 400 VR headsets, and I was ready for the cow battle royale. I made the cows in fortnite and I started the royale. The cows went rampant, and I saw the cows pull out blickys from places I didn’t even know existed. All I saw around me was lasers flying as if this place was a light show. The battle royale ended quickly, and the last cow standing was missing three limbs. I quickly repaired those limbs and gave him a crown to signify his victory, and the cow went back to his farm peacefully, not knowing that he just murdered 399 cows.

– The Governor of Ohio