Spiderman: Could he be my Pet Squirrel?

Spiderman: Unmasked – The True Identity of a Menace


Emma Robinson, Writer

Hey broskis, it’s me, Billy Bob Smith, again, back at it, again, with the theories, and the overuse of commas. Today’s Spiderman theory will be unlike any other. Shreksaphone is playing in the background, and it’s really advancing my thinking skills. Your mind will be blown. Your perception of this red humanoid will be turned on its head.

So one day I brought home a squirrel, and made it my pet. Now, you might say, “Billy Bob! That’s not safe! It could have rabies. Just adopt a dog or something!” And to that I say “even if it did have rabies, it sure didn’t bite me so what’s the big deal?” Anyways I wanted its name to have alliteration with what it was, so I named it Peter because it’s my PET squirrel. What does this have to do with Spiderman? I’ll get there.

One day, Peter went missing. I looked everywhere, but it’s really hard to pick out one specific squirrel from all of the others in New York and just America in general, actually. But I’m wondering if maybe all of these deadly traffic jams caused by Spiderman are really targeting me. I’m wondering if it’s a sign. So now I sit in my basement, on my computer, sobbing.

He made it into the news three weeks after Peter went missing. You know what has three sides? A Dorito. Peter’s favorite snack? Doritos. It’s a clue he left for me. Spiderman can only be Peter, and I’m sorry for all the mean things I’ve said about him. I hope that squirrel is happy, because I am ashamed.

Update: I have heard theories about a different Peter being Spiderman before. And this one is the only correct one, because of the Dorito thing, and because I don’t know who Peter Parker is and therefore he cannot exist (plus I refuse to believe that Spiderman looks like Tom Holland). Also Spiderman literally has the exact same voice as Peter (THE SQUIRREL). 

Please donate to my gofundme. Work starts in 5 minutes and I need a new car before then or else I’ll get fired and I won’t be able to work from home anymore.